I should have posted this ages agom when the hilarious Jackie Kessler had it up on Cat and Muse, her great website (which you should really check out for her laugh-ou-loud funny alter-egos, Jezebel and Melpomene interviews with fictional characters of guest authors).
Ranya had her turn in the spotlight back in January, and since it’s a slow news days, here’s Ranya, star of Cutting Loose and reigning Princes Charming (if only in her own head).
Enjoy!
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Princess Charming
JEZEBEL:
Heya, Avid Fans! Welcome back to Cat and Muse, the Internet talk-radio show run by and about fiction characters. I’m your host, the former demon Jezebel, coming at you live from the sordid depths of Jackie Kessler’s website. With me, as always, is the lovely, lamentable Muse of Tragedy…Melpomene!
[APPLAUSE]
Hi, Mel!
MELPOMENE:
YO.
JEZ:
Our next guest on Cat and Muse is a modern-day princess, and no, that’s not code for JAP. She was brought up behind the gilded walls of Saudi Arabian high society and winner of the Dream Husband sweepstakes . . . until said husband turns out to be more interested in Paolo, the interior-decorator-slash-underwear-model, than in his virginal new wife. Yikes!
MEL:
I KNOW WHAT BOYS LIKE…
JEZ:
Heh. Publishers Weekly calls CUTTING LOOSE “engrossing,” and Romantic Times says, “Dajani spins a tale of three women and their individual journeys to find happiness. Through strong writing and distinctive characters, readers are drawn into their lives, their loves, and their internal struggles. Dajani wraps it up nicely in the end, leaving us with a delectable tale that is hard to put down.”
Delectable? Yum! Boys and girls, say hello to one of the stars of Nadine Dajani’s CUTTING LOOSE…Ranya!
[APPLAUSE]
Heya, Ranya!
RANYA:
Hello, darlings.
JEZ:
So you’re this hot young woman with a rich dad, and…[GLANCES AT CUE CARDS] Is this right? You’re really 32 and still a virgin? Mel, is this a typo?
RANYA:
[SIGHS] I’m a virgin who’s been saving herself for Mr. Right for the past 32 – that’s right, 32 – years.
JEZ:
And then you meet the One…
RANYA:
And my Mr. Right turns out to be gay. That’s total [BLEEP]!!!
JEZ:
Oh, sweetie. I don’t know what to say.
RANYA:
I’ve always fit everywhere. I used to be the playground princess, and then the popular girl in high school—even if it was an all-girl high school in Riyadh, Saudi. Hey, I rubbed shoulders with real royalty, okay? And then I was this super eligible bachelorette. And then one day, poof! I find my husband at my favorite department store, making a grab for our decorator’s ass while he buys him that totally hot Hermes red croc passport holder.
JEZ:
That bastard.
RANYA:
I don’t know what was worse: that he was buying it for someone else when I’d begged and pleaded for it to no avail, or that the someone else was a dude!
JEZ:
The former. Definitely.
RANYA:
And just like that, I turn into a social pariah, in the circles I roll in at least—rich girls with too much time on their hands and access to other people’s money.
JEZ:
Ack. Surely, nothing can be worse than that. Right?
RANYA:
Besides the being cut off from any income from my parents thing? [TICS OFF POINTS ON FINGERS] I have no skills. Unless you count rolling vines leave into little rice-stuffed fingers of gastronomical goodness a “skill”…
JEZ:
Every little bit helps…
RANYA:
There’s also that total biatch of an editor I work for.
JEZ:
[READS CUE CARDS] That would be Rio.
MEL:
AND SHE DANCES ON THE SAND.
RANYA:
I swear, if Georges wouldn’t kill her for it, she’d have me cleaning toilets at the Suleltate offices.
JEZ:
The say what now?
RANYA:
[SIGHS] I know, I know, I can barely pronounce the name of this magazine I work for, either. It’s supposed to mean “Cut Loose” or “Let Loose” or something like that in Spanish. Also another brilliant idea of Rio’s.
JEZ:
Gotcha. Workplace issues. I can relate.
RANYA:
And let’s not forget the other bane of my existence, my roommate Zahra, who Georges totally guilt-tripped into taking me in. Isn’t he a sweetie?
JEZ:
I like him already!
RANYA:
I think all the fat from those Krispy Kreme doughnuts is cutting off circulation to Zahra’s niceness glands… I have no freaking clue what her problem is, but that girl has it in for me.
JEZ:
With all this badness, there has to be some good, right?
RANYA:
[GRINS] Zahra’s condo rocks! It’s on this fabulous street overlooking Biscayne Bay, and hey, I’ve never had a single moment in my entire life where I didn’t have to answer to my parents or act like a lady of my social standing (or else face the gossiping hoards) or whatever. No one in Miami knows me, and even if I’m a total charity case that Georges took pity on when he found me dazed and confused on the executive floor of the London hotel I was hiding in (that would have been before my credits cards were frozen…), I’m earning some money now, which, I won’t lie to you, doesn’t beat a Chanel sample sale—but it is nice.
JEZ:
Congratulations on your anonymity. You mentioned frozen credit cards, poor thing. Have you adjusted OK?
RANYA:
[SHURGS] I had to really change up my wardrobe since moving to Miami. My standard black or otherwise chic, trendy-yet-sophisticated outfits that killed in Montreal would look totally wrong in Miami.
JEZ:
Yeah. No way would you blend.
RANYA:
[GIGGLES] But I’m poor now, so I’ve had to make some, um, tradeoffs.
JEZ:‘Spain, please.
RANYA:
Let’s just say H&M and Zara have come in handy. But you will never catch me in those second-skin white denim capris, yellow halter tops, wedge heels and curtain-rod-ring earrings these women wear. Ugh!
JEZ:
Not that there’s anything wrong with that…[COUGHS] So, you mentioned Georges…
RANYA:
[NODS] The big boss. Who, I suspect, has a crush on me. But I’m too pure-of-mind to actually notice.
JEZ:
Un huh.
RANYA:
Not to mention it would be totally inconvenient to fall for Georges, seeing as I am MARRIED…
JEZ:
To a gay dude. I think you should do Georges.
RANYA:
Really, have you no shame?
JEZ:
None. So, you and Georges. Who’s on top? Or are there other preferred positions?
RANYA:
I’m a prude sweetie—I don’t kiss and tell. Actually… I don’t kiss, period.
JEZ:
Come on, pretend. What’s your romantic fantasy? Don’t worry. It’s just us girls. You can be as graphic as you want. [GRINS] In fact, I insist.
RANYA:
Really?
JEZ:
Really really.
RANYA:
Wow… I’ve never thought about that before…. Oh, who the hell am I kidding? I’ve fantasized about every position, place, possibility I can imagine! I AM SO HORNY! I NEED TO HAVE SEX ALREADY!!!!
JEZ:
[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]
RANYA:
On the hood of Georges’ Beemer, in his office, I’ll have sex with him in his mom’s living room if it means I WILL FINALLY GET [BLEEP] LAID!!!!!
JEZ:
I almost feel bad asking this. Which is better: sex or chocolate?
RANYA:
Umm… ahhh… let me get back to you on that.
JEZ:
Hee! So, in CUTTING LOOSE, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Nad, sweetie, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?
RANYA:
[GLARES AT COMPUTER SCREEN] She made me into a freaking SEX COLUMNIST!
JEZ:
Oh wow.
MEL:
DON’T BE CRUEL.
RANYA:
Can you believe it? Me – Ranya – the VIRGIN! Nuts, I tell you.
JEZ:
Some Creators are such total bitches. [GLARES AT COMPUTER SCREEN] Hear that, Kessler?
RANYA:
Oh, Nadine made it sound like it was Rio’s desperate bid to inject newness to the magazine, but I was onto her… Nad had it in for me too, just like the other two, Rio and Zahra.
JEZ:
If you had your way, what would you change about CUTTING LOOSE?
RANYA:
[GRINS] I’d get a piece of that luscious Diego too.
JEZ:
Ooh. Details!
RANYA:
No, I’m kidding. Rio can have him. Georges is a total catch. But couldn’t I have gotten a better job at the magazine? Also, why the hell do Rio and Zahra get to all the sex in the book and I get NOTHING? Isn’t 32 years of waiting enough? Jeez.
JEZ:
Aww. If you could make Nadine do anything, what would it be?
RANYA:
I’d get her to write another book about me. Actually, scratch that—she’s welcome to write about the other two while Georges and I get a chance to, um, take care of some unfinished business…
JEZ:
That’s what I’m talking about! Tell me one thing in the real world that you wish you could change.
RANYA:
Sigh. Okay – I’ll admit, I spent a big chunk of my life being really self-centered, not to mention, fairly delusional. But getting to know Rio and Zahra really opened my eyes. I got this big expensive education, while Rio had to fight tooth and nail to go to college—apparently, her family thinks education is wasted on women! Can you believe that?
JEZ:
Unfortunately, I can.
RANYA:
And Zahra… poor thing, no wonder she’s so bitter. Her whole family is trapped in the West Bank, under military curfew, and they’d pretty much starve if she didn’t work her butt off to help. Is it too much to ask for politicians who don’t play Russian roulette with ordinary people’s lives, and access to education for all? How else are you going to get anywhere in this complicated world? [BLINKS] Wow—did I really just say of that?
JEZ:
You did great! If CUTTING LOOSE goes Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?
RANYA:
Nadine thinks Aishwarya Rai—you know, that hot Indian chick from Bride and Prejudice—should play me. But I think I’m partial to Penelope Cruz.
JEZ:
Nice. What about Georges?
RANYA:
Who better to play opposite Penelope than the celeb I’m totally crushing on right now, Javier Bardem?
JEZ:
Perfect! Finally, if you could be evil for one day, and you were granted spiffy evil powers, what would the powers be and how would you use them?
RANYA:
I would turn my ex-husband’s penis into a button mushroom.
JEZ:
HAH! Perfect yet again!
Avid Fans, give another round of applause for one of the stars of Nadine Dajani’s CUTTING LOOSE…Ranya!
