What have months of brainstorming sessions among some of the braininest American minds from the world of economic academia and bazillions of dollars thrown at “zombie” banks brought us? (and we are all in this one together, no matter where we live)

The NYT writes today that after a brief respite, home prices have continued their downward spiraling trajectory and foreclosures have risen again with no end in sight. One dude bid $30,000 on a golf-course adjacent property just outside Boca Raton, and won. That’s not a typo - not $130,000 - but thirty thousand dollars.  

So, since we’re clearly not getting anywhere, I propose the following stimulus plan to save this sinking economy. I know I’m just some yahoo (yahette, actually) with an internet connection and a pink laptop, but it seems to me that the nerdy set need all the help they can get.

Here’s what I propose:

Step 1: 

“Claw back” any money used by banks to pay bonuses and other such bullshit, or from banks that have cooked their books to show a profit (Goldman Sachs, I’m talking to you) and use it to pay for… wait for it… regular people’s mortgages! THAT’S RIGHT - entire mortgages. Instead of handing cash to banks who refuse to lend it out to people and small businesses, cut out the middleman and PAY THE PEOPLE DIRECTLY.

Imagine that - owning your house outright… what would millions of people DO with all that security???

Step 2:

Bring back decent (mandatory) pensions! I like the Cayman Islands pension system - every company that operates here MUST contribute 5% of the value of an employee’s salary towards a pension plan that may not be cashed out before retirement, and the employee matches another 5% for a total of 10% going towards retirement savings for the entire length of a person’s career.

But this ain’t no AIG handout - there are conditions involved.

They are:

1) Raise income taxes significantly for a really, really long time. Seriously. Don’t even ask for how long, because you’ll probably be dead by the time this proposal breaks even (what… thought your house would be free?)

2) Tax undesirable behavior (smoking, fuel consumption, fast food, etc) and give tax breaks on things like “greening” your house, investing in a fuel-efficient car, organic food, etc)

Step 2:

Spend tax proceeds windfall on:

a) Public transportation infrastructure (will create jobs in the short term AND give people cheap transport options in the long run)

b) UNIVERSAL HEALTHCARE. If you want top-of-the-line treatment, great. Pay for it. But if you just want reliable, good (if annoyingly slow and inefficient) health care because otherwise you might die or be in debt for three generations, then universal healthcare is for you.

c) Paying teachers a competitive salary so good they don’t do it because they have a fascination with living like impoverished monks, or because they married money. This one will also pay dividends when the kids who benefit grow up to be better citizens, and will encourage really competent people to consider teaching as a viable career choice.

As for your kids, well, they’ll be left with universal healthcare, a great (or better, anyway) education, less college debt, efficient public transport, cleaner air and water, and better prospects for renewable energy.

That, and really high taxes. Which they’ll eventually vote to eliminate, and then be free to ride this economic roller coaster all over again.

And that’s it. That’s my plan.

What do you think - if you could have a free (or nearly free) home, if you weren’t afraid of getting sick and had the option of taking a heated/air-conditioned light train to work, would you mind terribly if your tax rate went up by 10 or 15 or 20%?

168 million in bonuses, out of US$700,000,000,000.00 of funds that are otherwise going down the black hole of mismanagement (and let’s not even talk about the billions upon billions “misplaced” in Iraq, and the billions more soon to be ”misplaced” in Afghanistan).

AIG bonuses - THIS is what has finally ignited Americans’ populist wrath! 

Those of us Commies who have been watching for 8+ years (I only cared about boys and and how many of them might be interested in kissing me during the Clinton years, so sue me) have been watching and waiting, waiting and watching for that moment we knew had to come. And now, here it is!

I have to say, it’s a little anti-climatic, but hey, beggars can’t be choosers. I will not be critical of the American people’s choice of vehicle for their outrage - it’s as good as any, really. Even one dollar in bonuses for helping to bring the world economy to its knees is one dollar too many, so to the American people, I say: YAY YOU!

However, being a Commie, I worry (we tend to have a pessimistic streak, but as luck would have it, pessimists are having a moment right now). I worry, amongst other things, that maybe the forest may be lost for the trees, and a huge opportunity to rekindle interest and nurse back to life a creature facing extinction might be lost, that creature being dialogue.

Now, as evidenced by debates involving Sarah Palin, not just any dialogue will do - you have to put the word “meaningful” in front of it.

And in the tradition of mindless blogging, I will go on a seemingly unrelated tangent now: Hookers.

More specifically, Eliot Spitzer and hookers.

Even more specifically: Eliot Spitzer, hookers, Eliot’s wife Silda, and Vogue.

Blame Vogue for getting Eliot Spitzer back on my mind, or rather blame Vogue’s whitewashed, kiddie-gloved, fairy dust-sprinkled and utterly hypocritical March 2009 feature on his wife, and how Eliot’s penchant for blondes-by-the-hour nearly derailed this Southern Belle’s philanthropic campaigns (and no, we are assured, this princess ain’t a pushover. And she has a weakness for Petit Bateau tees and chocolate cupcakes. No, she doesn’t. I made that up, but only because I don’t have the actual article before my eyes at this very moment so I can transcribe the nauseating drivel verbatim, but hopefully you get the picture)

I read this article, and I worry. Then I read a piece like this by Mr. Spitzer, about how AIG’s bonus payouts are just the tip of the iceberg, and how instead of focusing on symbolic gestures (in this case, ”clawing back” the ill-gotten spoils from the recipients, which has effectively happened already), that perhaps we should realize that this bonus thing is a distraction from the real crimes that festered in the absence of regulations and created this environment in the first place. Doing that will surely be more complicated, not quite so black-and-white, and, more importantly, require us to think. A lot.

The article sure made me think - about Eliot Spitzer, Silda (yes, they are still married), Vogue, and hookers.

I wondered what kind of warped world would be so hypocritical so as to force a competent, vocal, thinking (at least this is the impression I got from reading this article) dude to resign due to something completely unrelated to his ability to carry out his duties as governor of the state of New York.

You might argue that by employing prostitutes, he was breaking the law. But when even the “good” guys are breaking the law, maybe it’s time we rethink the law. And while we’re at it, score politicians on how well they protect us from companies like AIG, and not on where they prefer to put their dicks.

While we’re on the subject of laws, there ought to be one against using a scandal-celebrity to sell your magazine, and then not having the balls to ask her tough questions on why she doesn’t seem too bothered by her husband’s preference for ladies of the night. After all, if the man’s wife doesn’t mind, why should we?