Since that semester in high school that introduced me to George Orwell’s Animal Farm and 1984, I’ve been a huge fan of anti-Utopian literature - books that imagine the ills of our present spiraling out of control, creating such dark, dismal (and devastatingly plausible) futures that the reader can’t help but be jolted into thinking: why didn’t we see the signs? Why didn’t we stop it when we still could have?

In this week’s New York Times, columnist Thomas Friedman points, rightly, to the miserable state of education in North America as a major contributor to the unemployment crisis and the likelihood it will persist in spite of an economic recovery. (If you think this sounds vaguely oxymoronic then clearly you still have’t grasped that the “economy” and the “real economy” are two very different concepts).

Tom Friedman, who worships at the altar of globalization, has concluded that in an increasingly globalized world, it’s not enough to be a lawyer - or even a great lawyer - but it’s a lawyer’s talent for hustling and trolling for business that will count. It’s not the dude who can build the sturdiest home, but the one who can do that and sell you on a fabulous open-concept kitchen that will be the envy of the neighbors who’ll get the job.

In this future Friedman envisions, creativity and arithmetic come together - like water for chocolate - in perfect synergy in service of that most sacred of goals: making money.

And what of those who are lacking in either the creativity or arithmetic departments (or - shudder - both)?

Friedman leaves that to the reader’s imagination, as if those unfortunate souls may be gobbled up by some highly evolved monster with little tolerance for imperfectly solved equations and no interior decorating sense.

I’m sure Tom knows this but a reminder wouldn’t hurt: the “economy” exists to feed people. People have never existed to feed the economy (until very, very recently in our evolution). The economy doesn’t have feelings. It is not its own entity, independent of human beings. We made the economy, and we can unmake it if we damn well choose to.

And unmake it we may very well do, if the economy stops feeding us and starts feeding on us.

Margaret Atwood’s wonderfully imaginative 2003 dystopian novel Orynx and Crake imagines a world split along “word people” and “numbers people” lines (not unlike our own) where numbers people have access to far more wealth and privilege seeing as their skills are so much more in demand (people with neither skill are relegated to wastelands).

It seems that every time the economy runs into a snag it is people who are asked to adapt, not the economy.

Not very long ago, having any education at all was something special, reserved for elites. But when nearly everyone could read and write, things like having a high school diploma, then a college degree and beyond, became a must if you aspired to own an ipod, a car, a house, or participate in the modern economy at all.

Now it seems even that isn’t enough. We are all entrepreneurs, hustlers, fighting for scraps. Some of us are born entrepreneurs. But what becomes of those of us who are not? Will the question that Friedman does not dare answer in his column - what happens to those of us who cannot adapt - be realized through Margaret Atwood’s apocalyptic vision, or will we ever live to see a different sort of economy, one truer to its roots, one that actually exists to feed people?

"It is at this cost that you can eat sugar in Europe" said the negro to Candide

Voltaire, the 18th Century French essayist, wrote about it in his 1762 smash hit, Candide: or the Optimist, and now one of my favorite social critics and class warriors, Barbara Ehrenreich, has attacked it in her latest offering, Bright-Sided: How the Relentless Promotion of Positive Thinking has Undermined America (October 2009).

As an early skeptic of heedless happiness, I can tell you it’s a lonely position to assume, kind of like being against puppies, or summer barbecues. Who in their right mind would peg optimism as a bad thing, and how could it positive thinking possible have, well, negative side-effects?

What Warren Buffett famously said about financial markets and other forums of mass self-delusion also turns out to apply to the cult of positive thinking: it’s only when the tide goes out that you find out who’s been swimming naked.

Now that the gravy train of conspicuous consumption and exhuberance has come to a shrieking halt, you can practically hear the air  wheezing out of the positive thinking balloon. The movement is now under attack by the twin spear carriers of logic and reality.

My own opinion on this cultural craze went from indifference to alarm with the dizzying popularity of The Secret, a kind of insidiousphilosophy (and book, and DVD, and multi-million-dollar franchise) which purports that the Universe will work with you to achieve your goals - whatever they are, from health, wealth, or romance - if you believe yourself deserving of them. In other words, it’s a question of mind over matter.

This is not very far removed from Leibnizianism, the popular philosophy Voltaire spoofed in Candide, that sought to prove by logical brain acrobatics and so-called rational thinking that “all is for the best in the best of all possible worlds”. This theory relies heavily on the existence of an all-knowing, all-powerful and mysterious God, whose actions on Earth may seem confusing to mere mortals, but who is ultimately perfect. His perfection means that, however nonsensical and odd His works may seems to us, they must be perfect because He is perfect. Nowadays we would refer to this kind of thinking as a “divine plan” or else we might tell ourselves  that everything happens for a reason as a means of coping with a terrifying and unpredictable world over which we have little control, if any.

Positive thinking à la The Secret, The Millionaire Mind, and their self-help ilk is similar to that mode of fatalism in that it also tries to impose an element of control over what is, in essence, a very random reality where luck, accident and coincidence play bigger roles than people would like to admit. The same kind of fatalism prevalent in very poor, terminally violent countries is simply the other side of the delusion coin. The rich, first world nations get to call it “The Power of Positive Thinking” while people whose children still routinely die from malaria and starvation are likely to surrender their collective will to a higher power than themselves. In other words, why bother trying to change things when only those things that are “meant” to happen, ever will? In a prosperous place, people allow themselves to think they “deserve” only good things, while the remaining 80% of the world’s population, mired in misery, will surrender to debilitating fatalism where it’s generally pointless to try and have a better life here on Earth.

This is where, for wealthy societies like those of North America, the Cayman Islands, belief in a benevolent, obliging Universe preoccupiedwith responding to the hopes and positive “vibes” of credulant Earthlings becomes a problem.

Take cancer.

The Cayman Observer ran a brilliant and absolutely terrifying New York Times article a few weeks ago about the gap in perception of cancer survival rates, and actual cancer survival rates. With all the money poured into cancer research over the past 30 years, long-term survival rates have barely budged. But that’s not the impression you and I get when we read the labels on certain foods, or when fruits and vegetables like broccoli and strawberries are touted for their “antioxidant” or cancer-fighting abilities. Of course, none of these foods are promise they’ll prevent cancer, just like The Secret, or The Millionaire Minddon’t promise wealth, health, and happiness, but they imply a correlational relationship which suggests that if you don’t achieve your heart’s desire, it’s very likely because of something you did, ate, thought, didn’t do, didn’t eat, or didn’t think.

And that’s cruel. Not only is it cruel, but it becomes downright dangerous when positive thinking replaces action based on a realistic outlook, paving the way for quick-witted, unscrupulous opportunists to fleece the eternally optimistic among us for all we’ve got.

Like, for example, the recent fleecing of investors, employees, and home-owners by an unregulated and highly speculative financial system. Yes, there is a connection here, and it’s the way wishful thinking has completely replaced our natural aversion to risk taking. It’s more than just the marriage of a keep-up-with-the-Jones’s mentality and the over-availability of consumer credit that’s worrisome, but the injection of spirituality that positive thinking brings into the mix. We should no longer keep our Earthly desires in check because we deserve total fulfillment and happiness, whether in the form of a safe, happy family, or a pair of Gucci pumps. It’s the emotional equivalent of taking materialism out of the closet and placing it on a public alter of worship.

Which brings me to Kenneth and Gloria Copeland and their “prosperity gospel” mega-ministry/business. The Copelands have eschewed preaching humility and simple, conscientious living in favor of spreading the Word of God through conspicuous consumption and the lusting after material delights. The idea is that by giving (presumably, to the Copelands and their network of ministries) you can achieve happiness here on Earth, instead of waiting around for a heavenly reward. And they’ve made millions. About a hundred million a year, actually, lifted entirely from an economic class of people that religion professor Dr. Jonathan L. Watler says resides “in that nebulous category between the working poor and the middle class”. People like truckers, and elementary school teachers, and nursing assistants. People who’ve had plenty of reason to mistrust the banks that sold them predatory sub-prime mortgages, and a government that pockets large chunks of their meager salaries and offers very little in return. Why not resort to a kind of delusional positive thinking that promises payoffs through prayer, when lifetimes of working hard and being productive citizens have resulted in exorbitant personal debt, foreclosures, and the looming threat that they are one medical crisis away from complete ruin.

It’s only normal that people, whether those stricken with scary diseases or personal disasters, turn to spirituality. It’s only normal to want - to need- to believe that we are more than just these imperfect vessels of hardship, disease, and misfortune. This is why the words of a poor Judeancarpenter who praised  compassion and humanized the poor still resonate today. He voiced a truth suspected by most, that spiritual comfort could not be found in material things or endeavors. But for a world order that depends so mightily upon the United States, and other wealthy nations’ willingness to spend, spend, spend, Jesus’s original message proves decidedly impractical, if not outright subversive.

Positive thinking, on the other hand, offers an adequate substitute for true spirituality while insidiously fuelling the fires that ravage our daily existence.

While I don’t suggest that we boycott Oprah until she starts running a ”Oprah’s Most Reviled Things” segment, or CNBC unless they create a show featuring failed entrepreneurs, I wonder if all future cancer patients might not be served better with a realistic approach to the disease and better end-of-life counseling. Maybe then we’d see fit to prioritize funding of new and risky types of research (like stem cell) over spending on more F-16 fighter jets. Or if a realistic picture of how easy it is for middle-class people to fall into poverty might not breathe new life into debates over welfare, health care, and other social programs. Hope is great, until it gets turned into a business model.

Optimism that is not tempered by critical thinking breeds selfishness and passivity in societies, and at the personal level, instills the same kind of guilt Catholicism, Protestantism, and Islam burden their less-than-perfect flock with. Did the cancer come back because of something I did? as opposed to: cancer is notoriously difficult to beat. Am I struggling to feed my kids because I am lazy? versus large swathes of people suffer because they are simply a low priority for their governments who are more interested in giving tax breaks to corporations without asking for anything in return.

What kind of social change can be affected with a little less positive thinking, and a little more positive action?

I wonder.

I’m still travelling around, hence the erratic nature of these postings, but I just couldn’t resist this…

I don’t know what those poor Minnesotans did to deserve this, other than enable Norm Coleman to be such a leechy spaz for so long, but still… low blow.

…Puerto Rico. Which I hope, dear readers, will (partially) explain my recent absence from the blogosphere. I am trying to divide my days between working on projects I’ve long wanted to do (finish Upside of Down, start exclusive-for-Kindle novella, bask in the Puerto Rican sun..) But I’ll be back, so please hang in there.

Just before I start posting about more reviews, photos of gorgeous San Juan, and announcements of contest winners, allow me to please share with you this gem I happened upon in the New York Times.

This 10-page article is about whales, and is absolutely fascinating. I’m a nature girl, and like a lot of people, am especially curious about whales, but even with my natural inclinations aside, I found the insights in this article to be pretty mind blowing.

Here’s one of the best parts:

“…We do have compelling evidence of the experience of grief in cetaceans; and of joy, anger, frustration and distress and self-awareness and tool use; and of protecting not just their young but also their companions from humans and other predators. So these are reasons why something like forgiveness is a possibility.”

The background to that quote is this: whales, until recently, had been fished to near-extinction. However, with preservation and re-population strategies, some species have rebounded. Past whale behavior had shown them to be extremely cautious towards the humans who’d massacred their kind into near-non-existence, but now, it seems that they just might have forgiven our past transgressions. They are interacting with humans again, and NOT in situations where food or feeding grounds are involved.

It would seem that whales are ready to give peaceful co-existence a second chance.

As a Palestinian I have to wonder - if whales can forgive humans for hundreds of years of hunting, how is it that Israelis and Palestinians can’t find a way to co-exist peacefully?

When we say that someone is behaving like an animal, we mean it in the sense that this person is sub-human, savage, and incapable of emotion beyond the most basic, instinctive kind.

After reading this I have to wonder if humans aren’t the more barbaric, savage species.

I started watching this story on Jon Stewart at 8 pm, and at that time, this was just a really hilarious comic piece about a high-ranking politician going totally AWOL. By the time Rachel Maddow rolled around, Mark Sanford was discovered at the Altanta airport, returning from a very poorly-planned, impromptu trip to see a woman in Argentina he is apparantly having an affair with. So by the time you read this - who knows? Maybe we’ll find out he has a whole other family down there, with four daughters and a poodle named Fifi (not terribly unlike a subplot in a Sidney Sheldon book I read many moons ago)

I’m going to jump on this bandwagon right now, before everyone with a Twitter account and their grandmother has weighed in - I feel bad for the guy.

I shouldn’t - he’s cheated on his wife, he left his kids on Father’s day to be with his girlfriend in Argentina, AND, most important of all - this is a Republican so dedicated to party politics that he would rather turn down federal stimulus money than assist his fellow South Carolinians in the the midst of the worst economic meltdown since the Great Depression.

From the sounds of that, Mark Sanford should be the poster boy for arrogant jerk.

Except it’s pretty clear from his pitiable press conference that he’s not. Or at least not just an arrogant jerk. Look at the guy!

This is a dude who seems like he went to sleep reasonably happy one day, woke up in a completely different one, and has no clue how he got there.

What’s notable about the media reaction to all this isn’t so much how a guy with such a bright future ahead of him had an affair and “blew it all up” to quote one pundit, but that he was caught being…well… so emotional and flaky about it. How dare he appear human on television, admit to crying, when a sterile statement from his chief of staff would have sufficed? How are you supposed to mindlessly bleat stupid party lines after you’ve shown your human side?

And you know what else? He doesn’t actually sound that repentant! He’s sorry he hurt people, like his wife and sons and staffers, but the guy isn’t sorry he hopped a flight to BA to be with his darling after his wife kicked him out of the house.

Obviously, this is a guy who did not “have it all” to quote another pundit. And we’re not talking about a sleazy affair with an intern or who hired a hooker, or going to public bathrooms in search of a thrill. This was obviously an unstudied move - with no premeditation or planning - and the press conference delivery was heartfelt, if not polished. The “crime” is notable only for its humanity, its all-too-familiar ring of man’s inner struggle against society’s expectations gone wrong.

It reminds me of a recent case of a very popular Latino priest based in Miami - Padre Alberto (who also happens to be quite the looker) - who was caught… wait for it… cavorting with a woman on the beach. A woman, who it had been revealed, was his girlfriend of many years. Was teh Catholic church relieved that he’d been caught with a consenting adult rather than molesting a minor - the church’s usual MO? Of course not! The man had to choose between the little lady and the Catholic church and Padre Alberto is now an Episcopalian.

I wonder how much longer before we acknowledge how much hyprocricy hurts us all by enabling us into believing other people’s lies and therefore making us feel doubly guilty for our desires, controversial and upsetting though they may be? Isn’t honesty also an important Christian/Muslim value - and wouldn’t it include honesty to our own selves?

It’s been a big week for Cutting Loose!

Some highlights, if you please…

…Bookfan Mary recommends Cutting Loose as great summer reading! Read the review here!

…Cutting Loose get a full page spread courtesy of lovely friend and editor-in-chief Paris Mansouri, in GORGEOUS Isola Magazine’s premier issue (sadly not available online, but will scan soon, check back)!

…Am starring in my very first book club meeting next Tuesday – eeek, I can’t wait! Will report back with the good, the bad, and the pics. Again, watch this space!

And in non-Cutting Loose but equally fun news,

…Still in love with Cristiano Ronaldo, love possibly growing with every passing day leading up to the UEFA Champions League finals that I have been forced to watch (though not too punishing when Cristiano is on)…

…Queen Rania places 43rd on Glamour’s 50 Most Glamorous of 2009 (a bit premature as far as definitive lists go, methinks, since we haven’t even hit the mid-year mark yet)…

… Bought an Acer Apire One, am HEAD OVER HEELS in love with this teeny tiny three pound, $300 baby!

…Where has Kindle been all my life?? No, I haven’t bought the little machine – though considering how much I move around, maybe I should – I’m just flabbergasted by this post by JA Konrath today delving into the ease of posting your work for sale on Amazon, directly, without going through your publisher, both to help you gain a following and earn a little Manolo money too??? (or these days, help out with the rent…)

I’ve been toying around with the idea of writing novellas (25-50K words) going into each one of my past characters’ lives and what happened to them after the published story ended, sort of like, what if Ali were to run into Miguel again, five years after they met in Cuba? What’s he up to these days? What’s she up to? Is she in a relationship? Would it survive an encounter with Miguel?…

So why don’t we have a little poll – our first ever on nadinedajani.com! If you’re too shy to comment, maybe you won’t be too shy with clicking your mouse!

A very interesting article in today’s NY Times exposes how kids are currently being taught only the nuts and bolts or reading, as opposed to reading as a means to make sense of the world. The article hit home for many reasons - I recently touched base with a old high school friend I hadn’t seen in years and she’d since become a French teacher. We reminisced over cappuccinos and croissants about the horribleness of some of the books we were made to read in junior high and how we grew up to love language in spite of our curriculum, not because of it. (I still have nightmares about Le Lion, a book I still wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole, even as an adult)

The article cites the example of giving school kids a piece about “hiking in the Appalachians” and asking them to find the central idea. It then goes on to explain that if the kids don’t give a hoot about the Appalachians, don’t know much about hiking in that area, and moreover, are extremely unlikely to ever experience that activity, then they will naturally be less likely to be able to find the central idea, or answer any other questions about the piece.

The article inadvertently makes a commentary about how we expect kids to think (which is to say we don’t expect them to). Asking you to comment on something you have no prior knowledge of will not stretch your critical thinking muscles. It will not build “connectors” in your brain, or teach you to make associations and connect the dots between seemingly disparate subjects. If you studied WWII in history class and a blurb about WWII came up in English class and you were asked to process the information from a different angle, it would “stick” more, and you’ll be more likely to see how it fits into the big picture.

And isn’t that really the root of so many of our problems these days?… So many of us finding it so hard to see the big picture - connecting the dots between our declining health, our lifestyles, an economy gone berserk, the health of the planet, vested interests, the role of religion and politics in maintaining the status quo, etc, etc….?

I still don’t see the ”big picture” of Le Lion, though. Damn you, Le Lion!!! (shaking fist, angrily)

It’s not entirely clear from this article why “they” (I no longer have any idea who “they” are. The medical establishment? The government? Some guy tapping away at a keyboard in his parents’ basement?) are so pissed off we actually listened when “they” told us to eat more fish. Is it because in consuming more of Flipper’s nautical compatriots we are at risk of depleting the oceans’ resources at a much faster rate than we would’ve without promises of thicker, more lustrous hair and a healthier heart, or, because said promises are actually bullshit.

…And I thought I was doing the Earth good this weekend down at the beach…

(Caymanian fisherman down by the Georgetown dock. They de-scale, gut, and fillet the 2 lb. snapper before your eyes in under a minute)

A sampling of the headlines that greeted me upon my return from the frosty North:

…Lovebirds Bristol Palin and Levi Johston split - MONTHS ago - who the hell could’ve seen that one coming??!..

…Micheal Wunderkid Phelps is just like your average twenty-something, college-going, partying dude…

…A-Rod admits to being on the ‘roids, his defense: “but all my friends are doing it!”…

… “Comedy Central’s Democratic Senator” Jon Stewart and “Mad Money” Cramer’s unfunny showdown…

…Bernie Madoff pleads GUILTY to fleecing the uber-wealthy, how DARE he??!! Doesn’t he know you’re only allowed to fleece the poor???!!…

…NYT’s David Brooks: Latest threat to the nation: Michelle Obama’s biceps, AKA, “Lightning” and “Thunder”….

…Jason the sweetheart single dad Bachelor turns out to be major prick, superficial, had nothing to say to Molly (or was it Melissa?) when cameras stopped rolling - I’m flabbergasted….

And the biggest shocker of all -

… Jennifer Aniston and John Meyer KAPUT mere days after the Oscars!! OH MY LORD!

Wow.

You disconnect from the internet for two weeks to enjoy being with your family and the world as we know it comes to an end.

I will say this about stepping back though - once you stop ingesting news as a series of disconnected tweets in a twittering cacaphony of information and ingest them all at once, they actually come together like a cohesive orchestra. I could have ranted about every one of those headlines (and frankly, I’m feeling a robbed that I didn’t get the chance to), but really, wll the above can be summed up in one simple, time-tested concept.

Hypocrisy. Duplicity. Being a two-faced, two-timing, disingenious, deceptive, lying, pants-on-fire liar.

And the lying involves only one party. It’ s us, lying to ourselves.

Did we REALLY think Bristol’s mom’s political plans had nothing to do with her daughter’s marriage plans? Is it REALLY shocking that abstinence-only education produced baby Trig, and, well, probably Bristol herself???

Why is Michael Phelps being suspended from doing his thing while A-Rod is still out there making gazillions with nary a care in the world?

Who died and made David Asshole Brooks Michelle Obama’s stylist? (David - name one popular fashion trend from the past 20 years - ONE, and no, the comb-over doesn’t count) and why is he fashion taking cues from the Taliban?

And why is Jon Stewart the only television personality exposing other television personalities who aided an abetted the extremely wealthy in their efforts to suck more money out of people in that massive money-vaporizing scam otherwise known as the stock market?

I currentlywork in finance, and I have been working in finance for the past 10 years. I was studying finance right at the time when we started equating the stock market with God and and the guy who mowed your lawn was suddenly giving you stock tips he got from watching assholes on CSNBC.

At school they teach you the theory of finance and markets. They teach you how the markets work with complicated equations the average person doesn’t have the time or inclination to understand. That’s why we hire “financial experts” to tell us what to do, but we forget that these “financial experts” are really salespeople.

Do you know that the guys working the trading floor and those at the other end of the line at a brokerage are just as likely to have studied MARKETING (i.e. Sales) as finance???

My sister is taking a finance course right now, and just looking at the textbook makes my blood pressure rise.

The stock market was sold to “regular” people (read: non-millionaires) about 15 years ago, right about the time companies decided they didn’t want to pay pensions anymore. They lobbied governments to create things like 401ks (in the US) and RRSPs (Canada) to shift the burden of responsibility from companies and governments to regular people.

That regular people lost everything and are now reduced to the status of twelve-century indentured slaves is a nice bonus. We are now the human equivalent of third world countries - unless we collectively decide to default on our debt, we will only get out of them by dying. Sorry, baby boomers.

Think about that as you pick up a $4.99 issue of Real Simple that declares food stamps are the new chic.

And think about why we enjoy lying to ourselves so much - whether it’s about abstinance, or marijuana use, or stupid contrived reality TV - and in doing so, make it so much easier for others to con us.

I should have posted this ages agom when the hilarious Jackie Kessler had it up on Cat and Muse, her great website (which you should really check out for her laugh-ou-loud funny alter-egos, Jezebel and Melpomene interviews with fictional characters of guest authors).

Ranya had her turn in the spotlight back in January, and since it’s a slow news days, here’s Ranya, star of Cutting Loose and reigning Princes Charming (if only in her own head).

Enjoy!

***

Princess Charming

JEZEBEL:
Heya, Avid Fans! Welcome back to Cat and Muse, the Internet talk-radio show run by and about fiction characters. I’m your host, the former demon Jezebel, coming at you live from the sordid depths of Jackie Kessler’s website. With me, as always, is the lovely, lamentable Muse of Tragedy…Melpomene!

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, Mel!

MELPOMENE:
YO.

JEZ:
Our next guest on Cat and Muse is a modern-day princess, and no, that’s not code for JAP. She was brought up behind the gilded walls of Saudi Arabian high society and winner of the Dream Husband sweepstakes . . . until said husband turns out to be more interested in Paolo, the interior-decorator-slash-underwear-model, than in his virginal new wife. Yikes!

MEL:
I KNOW WHAT BOYS LIKE…

JEZ:
Heh. Publishers Weekly calls CUTTING LOOSE “engrossing,” and Romantic Times says, “Dajani spins a tale of three women and their individual journeys to find happiness. Through strong writing and distinctive characters, readers are drawn into their lives, their loves, and their internal struggles. Dajani wraps it up nicely in the end, leaving us with a delectable tale that is hard to put down.”

Delectable? Yum! Boys and girls, say hello to one of the stars of Nadine Dajani’s CUTTING LOOSE…Ranya!

[APPLAUSE]

Heya, Ranya!

RANYA:
Hello, darlings.

JEZ:
So you’re this hot young woman with a rich dad, and…[GLANCES AT CUE CARDS] Is this right? You’re really 32 and still a virgin? Mel, is this a typo?

RANYA:
[SIGHS] I’m a virgin who’s been saving herself for Mr. Right for the past 32 – that’s right, 32 – years.

JEZ:
And then you meet the One…

RANYA:
And my Mr. Right turns out to be gay. That’s total [BLEEP]!!!

JEZ:
Oh, sweetie. I don’t know what to say.

RANYA:
I’ve always fit everywhere. I used to be the playground princess, and then the popular girl in high school—even if it was an all-girl high school in Riyadh, Saudi. Hey, I rubbed shoulders with real royalty, okay? And then I was this super eligible bachelorette. And then one day, poof! I find my husband at my favorite department store, making a grab for our decorator’s ass while he buys him that totally hot Hermes red croc passport holder.

JEZ:
That bastard.

RANYA:
I don’t know what was worse: that he was buying it for someone else when I’d begged and pleaded for it to no avail, or that the someone else was a dude!

JEZ:
The former. Definitely.

RANYA:
And just like that, I turn into a social pariah, in the circles I roll in at least—rich girls with too much time on their hands and access to other people’s money.

JEZ:
Ack. Surely, nothing can be worse than that. Right?

RANYA:
Besides the being cut off from any income from my parents thing? [TICS OFF POINTS ON FINGERS] I have no skills. Unless you count rolling vines leave into little rice-stuffed fingers of gastronomical goodness a “skill”…

JEZ:
Every little bit helps…

RANYA:
There’s also that total biatch of an editor I work for.

JEZ:
[READS CUE CARDS] That would be Rio.

MEL:
AND SHE DANCES ON THE SAND.

RANYA:
I swear, if Georges wouldn’t kill her for it, she’d have me cleaning toilets at the Suleltate offices.

JEZ:
The say what now?

RANYA:
[SIGHS] I know, I know, I can barely pronounce the name of this magazine I work for, either. It’s supposed to mean “Cut Loose” or “Let Loose” or something like that in Spanish. Also another brilliant idea of Rio’s.

JEZ:
Gotcha. Workplace issues. I can relate.

RANYA:
And let’s not forget the other bane of my existence, my roommate Zahra, who Georges totally guilt-tripped into taking me in. Isn’t he a sweetie?

JEZ:
I like him already!

RANYA:
I think all the fat from those Krispy Kreme doughnuts is cutting off circulation to Zahra’s niceness glands… I have no freaking clue what her problem is, but that girl has it in for me.

JEZ:
With all this badness, there has to be some good, right?

RANYA:
[GRINS] Zahra’s condo rocks! It’s on this fabulous street overlooking Biscayne Bay, and hey, I’ve never had a single moment in my entire life where I didn’t have to answer to my parents or act like a lady of my social standing (or else face the gossiping hoards) or whatever. No one in Miami knows me, and even if I’m a total charity case that Georges took pity on when he found me dazed and confused on the executive floor of the London hotel I was hiding in (that would have been before my credits cards were frozen…), I’m earning some money now, which, I won’t lie to you, doesn’t beat a Chanel sample sale—but it is nice.

JEZ:
Congratulations on your anonymity. You mentioned frozen credit cards, poor thing. Have you adjusted OK?

RANYA:
[SHURGS] I had to really change up my wardrobe since moving to Miami. My standard black or otherwise chic, trendy-yet-sophisticated outfits that killed in Montreal would look totally wrong in Miami.

JEZ:
Yeah. No way would you blend.

RANYA:
[GIGGLES] But I’m poor now, so I’ve had to make some, um, tradeoffs.

JEZ:‘Spain, please.

RANYA:
Let’s just say H&M and Zara have come in handy. But you will never catch me in those second-skin white denim capris, yellow halter tops, wedge heels and curtain-rod-ring earrings these women wear. Ugh!

JEZ:
Not that there’s anything wrong with that…[COUGHS] So, you mentioned Georges…

RANYA:
[NODS] The big boss. Who, I suspect, has a crush on me. But I’m too pure-of-mind to actually notice.

JEZ:
Un huh.

RANYA:
Not to mention it would be totally inconvenient to fall for Georges, seeing as I am MARRIED…

JEZ:
To a gay dude. I think you should do Georges.

RANYA:
Really, have you no shame?

JEZ:
None. So, you and Georges. Who’s on top? Or are there other preferred positions?

RANYA:
I’m a prude sweetie—I don’t kiss and tell. Actually… I don’t kiss, period.

JEZ:
Come on, pretend. What’s your romantic fantasy? Don’t worry. It’s just us girls. You can be as graphic as you want. [GRINS] In fact, I insist.

RANYA:
Really?

JEZ:
Really really.

RANYA:
Wow… I’ve never thought about that before…. Oh, who the hell am I kidding? I’ve fantasized about every position, place, possibility I can imagine! I AM SO HORNY! I NEED TO HAVE SEX ALREADY!!!!

JEZ:
[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]

RANYA:
On the hood of Georges’ Beemer, in his office, I’ll have sex with him in his mom’s living room if it means I WILL FINALLY GET [BLEEP] LAID!!!!!

JEZ:
I almost feel bad asking this. Which is better: sex or chocolate?

RANYA:
Umm… ahhh… let me get back to you on that.

JEZ:
Hee! So, in CUTTING LOOSE, were there any parts of the story where you were like, Nad, sweetie, what the Hell are you making me do? Or were you and your Creator in sync the entire time?

RANYA:
[GLARES AT COMPUTER SCREEN] She made me into a freaking SEX COLUMNIST!

JEZ:
Oh wow.

MEL:
DON’T BE CRUEL.

RANYA:
Can you believe it? Me – Ranya – the VIRGIN! Nuts, I tell you.

JEZ:
Some Creators are such total bitches. [GLARES AT COMPUTER SCREEN] Hear that, Kessler?

RANYA:
Oh, Nadine made it sound like it was Rio’s desperate bid to inject newness to the magazine, but I was onto her… Nad had it in for me too, just like the other two, Rio and Zahra.

JEZ:
If you had your way, what would you change about CUTTING LOOSE?

RANYA:
[GRINS] I’d get a piece of that luscious Diego too.

JEZ:
Ooh. Details!

RANYA:
No, I’m kidding. Rio can have him. Georges is a total catch. But couldn’t I have gotten a better job at the magazine? Also, why the hell do Rio and Zahra get to all the sex in the book and I get NOTHING? Isn’t 32 years of waiting enough? Jeez.

JEZ:
Aww. If you could make Nadine do anything, what would it be?

RANYA:
I’d get her to write another book about me. Actually, scratch that—she’s welcome to write about the other two while Georges and I get a chance to, um, take care of some unfinished business…

JEZ:
That’s what I’m talking about! Tell me one thing in the real world that you wish you could change.

RANYA:
Sigh. Okay – I’ll admit, I spent a big chunk of my life being really self-centered, not to mention, fairly delusional. But getting to know Rio and Zahra really opened my eyes. I got this big expensive education, while Rio had to fight tooth and nail to go to college—apparently, her family thinks education is wasted on women! Can you believe that?

JEZ:
Unfortunately, I can.

RANYA:
And Zahra… poor thing, no wonder she’s so bitter. Her whole family is trapped in the West Bank, under military curfew, and they’d pretty much starve if she didn’t work her butt off to help. Is it too much to ask for politicians who don’t play Russian roulette with ordinary people’s lives, and access to education for all? How else are you going to get anywhere in this complicated world? [BLINKS] Wow—did I really just say of that?

JEZ:
You did great! If CUTTING LOOSE goes Hollywood, who should play you in the movie?

RANYA:
Nadine thinks Aishwarya Rai—you know, that hot Indian chick from Bride and Prejudice—should play me. But I think I’m partial to Penelope Cruz.

JEZ:
Nice. What about Georges?

RANYA:
Who better to play opposite Penelope than the celeb I’m totally crushing on right now, Javier Bardem?

JEZ:
Perfect! Finally, if you could be evil for one day, and you were granted spiffy evil powers, what would the powers be and how would you use them?

RANYA:
I would turn my ex-husband’s penis into a button mushroom.

JEZ:
HAH! Perfect yet again!

Avid Fans, give another round of applause for one of the stars of Nadine Dajani’s CUTTING LOOSE…Ranya!